Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
