I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
