yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel great
I just peed on a car
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
