hotel room ftw
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
