I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
