I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
