I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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