Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
