Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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