he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
