I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
