So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
