and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't deserve a penis
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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