I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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