my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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