Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
