The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
