No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
