My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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