I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
