Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
