Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
