She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
