god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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