my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
