I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
