My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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