i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
