onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
