she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
well you can't waste a boner
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
