just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am naked and annoyed.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
