Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
