i need an iv and a liver transplant
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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