You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
