everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
