I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Randomize
