You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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