remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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