opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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