The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
