I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
