I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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