Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
