I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
