i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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