so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
