do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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