its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
