Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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