How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
