The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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