Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
