And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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